my whole blogging experience hasn't gotten off on the right foot. i had just finished typing in this long entry about how i had come to the decision to blog (and how i had come to the decision to say blog rather than keep an online journal (and explained to the potential reader that they might get lost in my haphazard nesting of tangential and parenthetical comments and just general meandering)), hit the button to publish it to my blogger.com-sponsored page (cuz i'm not ready for the kind of commitment my own address signifies), and the site has decided that i've timed out and am no longer signed on so my introductory diatribe disappeared.

so now, with healthy paranoia, i will save all of my entries in word before i post them for you to see. and now it just doesn't seem as spontaneous; thus is innocence lost.

basically, the initial entry said that i was reluctant to blog because i wasn't sure i had too much to say (or at least, journal type stuff). and guillermo a. fisher of silentfusion fame told me that's what blogging is all about - talking and talking about oneself and the things one's self (covering my bases) thinks about without really having anything to say. i guess he's right, or not. but i have trouble visualizing and verbalizing all the empty moments my life (like any other) is so full of, and beyond that, that any of those alleged moments could be interesting. in fact, i'm convinced that there aren't really any moments in my life and i'm only as interesting to behold as i am (and i am) through sheer force of will. it was a doubt that needed resolution and a fact that needed to be said out loud (on AIM).

that ill-fated entry also noted how impressed i am with all the bloggers before me who have managed to conjure up an interesting (for lack of another word i've already used (one...two) twice in the last few sentences) read from nothing more than themselves (although, i feel i deserve most of the credit for how interesting i think they are, so skewed is my sense of humor, propriety, and the world in general). if you really feel the need to entertain me, just be you - i've got the rest covered.
on top of my short list of favorite bloggers (i don't remember anyone else's names, cuz they're not on top) is Mary T., aka the halfmadspinster, a fellow egocentric. i talked to her on AIM for the first time last night and she made me a lot more comfortable (which is dangerous, i'm about to collapse into myself) with the fact that i'm attention-hungry and have a real need for my genius and creativity to be appreciated (while insisting on expressing myself in ways that aren't very accessible if you aren't me. i don't want people to understand me, just to understand i'm brilliant). we've reached a loose, informal agreement of sorts - basically, i will twist her head and she mine, and each will reciprocate any and all headtwisting, intentional or other, with further headtwisting, all the while twisting our own heads with reckless abandon. actually, she doesn't know about the last part but i decided that since she's been blogging for so long, i had to catch up, to level the bargaining table so to speak (my mother needs her phone books back) and twist my own head at an insane pace. i've taken pains to avoid any exorcist references and i ask you to do the same.

recently, i've decided one of my highest-priority longterm goals is to be studied (academically. not in a lab, fool). i write with the understanding that people won't have a good idea what i'm talking about without looking at my still-unwritten canon as a whole. my world is internal and in it i am god. fortunately, i have a strong intuition for writing stuff (mostly poetry) people actually feel, and by feel i mean really feel, in case you didn't understand. they don't read anything they intellectually recognize as a good attempt at capturing a certain feeling and choose to indulge the effort. there are no orchestra's announcing my intent. but the reader is left with a definite impression of a mood buried underneath a heap of unfocused confusion. such is life. once i get set up on my own site, i'll let you guys read some stuff, but only if you promise to tell me what you think. i really like feedback. i don't really like to hear how great i am (constantly), unless supporting evidence is provided. please consider.

one thing i've realized shortly after i decided to blog and increasingly over the course of these two entries (and yes, even though the first was a miscarriage i still celebrate it's birthday), is that for a while i'm gonna have a lot to say and little focus. cuz even though not much goes on in my life, it's insane how much and what goes on in my head. on a related note, up until a few weeks ago (when i moved back in with my parents and started a fulltime, corporate job) i was have vivid, bizarre, and easily remembered dreams every night. hopefully, i'll start dreaming again before i finish telling all of those.

good night.